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About Deviant i love to lose my mind27/Female/Australia Recent Activity
Deviant for 9 Years
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Looking back you’ll understand why
this is the year they all write their songs about.
This is the year synonymous with love.
It’s all around you –
romantic and platonic and unrequited and
never-ending even in all its fleeting glory.
There are promises and forevers
said with doubtless sincerity.
Friends are as good as family
until they betray you
and it hurts you more than any lover could.
This is the year of aching.
You lie awake at night thinking about the one –
you know the one – the one that will lead to your demise.
And so you go on dates with harmless sweethearts
with kind eyes and shy smiles
and try to forget.
And you’re thinking, You can kiss me if you want
(but I kind of hope you don’t).

This is the year you’ll miss the most.
When everything has settled down
and you feel like a human being
(and not a hormonal lunatic)
you’ll look back on it –
the way it made you laugh
the way it made you cry
the way it
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 3 0
i wonder what you could possibly know
The world is moving too fast for me.
I can barely take a breath before
everything is gone or changed or
missing and I'm emptier than I was
yesterday, when I was as empty as I could be.
I turn on the porch light as though
I'm waiting for someone. And perhaps I am,
because not waiting is foreign to me.
It takes all my don't-wants to figure out what I do want.
I don't want to just see how it goes. I
don't want to be convenient. I don't
want to be an optional possibility.
I want to be a big event.
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 11 0
mankind is disappointing.
when did you become
someone i don't know [if i
even want to know]?
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 4 7
I think it's your birthday today.
I should be certain but sometimes
it seems as though everyone was
born in June
and it makes me wonder
what happened in October '89
that had everyone making love.
I don't know about '89 but
in 2009 you were the glue mending
my broken excuse for a heart,
the breath in my every laugh.
I was addicted to your logical, reassuring mind
and ever-present promise of hope.
I was addicted to being needed,
to keeping all the secrets tearing you apart.
I miss being your turquoise terminator
and crumpled crumpet and saucy salamander
and effervescent iguana.
I miss complaining and over sharing
and knowing you'd listen to it all.
I miss believing we'd have that love forever.
So maybe I'll say happy birthday
and we can keep pretending nothing is wrong.
Or I'll pretend I forgot, the same way you forgot mine.
Or I'll congratulate you-
twenty-one years old
and still too thick to see how you've broken my heart.
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 12 7
meeeeeee by loopy-lexy meeeeeee :iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 2 12
pupillary constrictions.
i read poems about girls who don't know
where they lost their heart and
their passion and the light in their eyes.
except they do-
they lost it to the one who promised
he would stay forever and a day.
and now they're looking for the inflection
in his tone that would have hinted at
a pupillary constriction that subtly whispered,
"if no one better comes along".
but maybe there wasn't one.
and maybe he knew all along that she wasn't
his first and wouldn't be his last
but heck, her smile was so pretty
when she said she'd always love him.
or maybe he'd been thinking about
a boy with her eyes and a girl with her smile
and each time he held her he loved her more.
and more.
until one day he didn't.
and maybe he thinks about her at night
but chances are he's sleeping soundly
while she wonders which phrase or
movement or dream lost her the
happily ever after
she'd been foolish enough to imagine.
i read poems about girls who were sure,
until there wasn't anything
to be sure of anymore,
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 10 21
this regret, same old.
i'd like to believe i seeped into your soul, draped across the pulse points at your temples and segmented throughout your connective tissue. that some nights you're shaken awake by the demons of your past and for a brief haphazard moment you wonder where i am. that every once in a blue moon you remember what it's like to hold me while i fight back tears, to hold my sweaty palm in yours.
i am sick to my stomach. i am naïve. i am selfish. i am sorry.
my blood still boils when i think of you. you're the epitome of love and passion and sleepless nights in a way i don't think i could ever forget. you've left a mark like no one else i've ever loved, a seeping wound that still echoes with your beautiful words and strong convictions and blood loss and shed tears and all the maddening, incorrigible things that could never be separate from you.
you knew me, inside out and back to front. all the ways i was naïve and selfish. all the things i always was and always will be. but today i do
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 7 0
December 25th
December 25th and I've had 365 days to forget
your aunt's incredible roast turkey and braiding tinsel
through your sister's hair and interpretive dancing
to cheesy carols with your drunken Uncle Mark.
Firelight flickered across the curve
of your lips, the shadow of your jaw
and boy, you were beautiful,
all smoke and cinnamon.
December 25th and I'm ignoring the urge
to mess up your sleet slickened hair
and the fact that your card now says "from"
instead of "love".
I almost don't notice the way your eyelashes
glitter with snowflakes
and the fact that you look adorable
while you laughingly attempt to make a snow angel.
December 25th and I'm going to cheer
along with the rest of them
when you kiss her under the mistletoe
and then I'll gush about how sweet her embarrassed blushes are.  
The pudding is brim filled with wishes
and maybe this year they'll come true better
than the last, because it seems "forever"
was too much to ask for.
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 303 102
i won't deny my nostalgia
If I saw you now I'd tell you;
I still keep that letter you sent, under the hourglass on my bookshelf. I know that seven months have passed now and any normal person would lose it at the back of a drawer or in the stack of recyclable papers. But I'm not normal and it stays there, like the photo of us in the bottom drawer of my bedside table and the ridiculous card you made for my sixteenth birthday. Some nights I drag them all out, and when the blackbird starts greeting the morning I'm still pouring over the way you illegibly loop your letters and wondering if the dimple in your right cheek has managed to get any deeper. Some nights I wonder if, while you were promising never to leave, you ever thought I'd be the one to call it quits.
You said you felt we were running out of time and I said I didn't know what you were talking about. But I lied; I lied. I could feel the way the hands of time unravelled the threads keeping our hearts stitched together. I lied, but you could tell- in the
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 17 11
they say that nights are torture-
when the numbness has worn off
and it's nearing 3a.m.
and some lone stranger that got their life together better than you did
drives past, through the silent darkness.
there's a possum on the roof but his company doesn't help
you're still all alone and your heart aches with heaviness
and a longing for someone to hold,
for a way to turn back time.
but me, i think mornings are worse-
that split second after you wake up,
when you wish you hadn't.
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 10 0
my words aren't enough.
one day i will find
a way to tell you just how
amazing you are.
:iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 16 0
Mali by loopy-lexy Mali :iconloopy-lexy:loopy-lexy 12 29



i love to lose my mind
Hello deviantARTists, it's been a long time.

I've had the urge to do a bit of thinking out loud (typing out....? whatever) and I've decided that this will be my chosen platform. I get a bit reflective towards the end of the year. Sometimes it feels like nothing is ever changing (I am sure you all know the feeling) and I find it helpful to look back and see that, yes, things are changing and yes, I am growing as a person. Today I've been thinking about where I am now and where I was two years ago. And it is, in fact, quite a different place:

In November 2012 I was twenty-two years old. I had just finished my bachelor of science and was about to enter my honours year. I was doing honours to avoid the fact that I didn't know what I wanted to be doing, but I felt a feeling of dread at the thought of spending my life as a researcher. I couldn't drive; I did not have a car. I didn't have any long-term friendships from uni (but I did have an acquaintance that would turn into a long-term friend). I felt pretty lost, really.

Now, two years later, I am twenty-four years old. (Congratulations to those math geniuses out there who figured that one out!) I have finished my first year (or two-thirds) of a masters degree of publishing and editing. I can drive, and I have a car that I love (a 2011 Toyota Corolla hatchback, if you're curious). I have a steady casual job as a publishing assistant. I am a volunteer for two different organisations, and I work with both on a weekly basis. I have a group of amazing friends from my honours year who blow my mind with their intelligence. I can talk on the phone and give presentations without stuttering (too much). I am looking for an internship for next year and I am excited about it. I am three days away from finishing Kayla Itsines' BBG, which I can assert is not easy.

So I guess things do change; and even someone with as much Peter Pan Syndrome as me grows up slowly. I still can't cook more than a couple of meals. I still can't iron. I still know next to nothing about finances. I still can't do a million other independent things. But that's okay.

I wonder where I will be in another two years' time. God willing, I will be twenty-six (yay more maths!). My studies should be over. Will I have a full-time job? Will I still be living at home? Will I have improved my housewife skills? I guess we will see. I'm terrified of the future, but I am also excited for it.

I wish I were still writing, but I've lost the unrequited part of my love and the bulk of my teenage angst and it seems I need at least one of those to write. Maybe I'll be back someday.

I hope you're all doing wonderfully, my old friends.


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O-Gosh Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2015
wow, what a surprise :)
Thank you for the fave :hug:
O-Gosh Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2014
Hello Stranger :hug:
Thank you for the faves, Lovely :blowkiss:
O-Gosh Featured By Owner May 11, 2014
Happy Birthday, my beautiful girl :heart:
O-Gosh Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2014
Thank you so much for the fave, my lovely girl (with the best hair cut). :blowkiss:
Anna-Le16 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
much love for the faves :love:
p.s i miss reading your work.
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